Reality Check

When I first heard I was going to be a father, my first reaction was pretty much "Mehhh."     But the more I thought about it, the more I started thinking it might be sort of kickass.    That's because I, like all expectant, or reluctant, fathers have completely unreal expectations of what having a kid is going to be like.

I assumed that my kid would be a boy.   All men do.    And in my head, I assumed that my kid would be exactly like the feral kid from Mad Max.

That kid was awesome.    Naturally, I assumed my child would be born about 9 years old, wearing a long unkempt proto-mullet, clad in unwashed badger skins and an uncomfortably high cut leather thong, speaking nothing more advanced than a series of grunts and hisses, and knowing that there is no situation in life that can't be handled by throwing a razor edged boomerang at it.     Like I said- awesome.    

If I thought about it at all, which I rarely did, I figured my kid would just take care of himself, living and foraging in the neighborhood, occasionally surfacing to smite my foes or search for the precious juice.     And despite the fact that he had the language skills of a baboon, we'd get along just great.     We'd go fishing, and he'd dive in and catch fish with his teeth or stab them from the canoe with a broken paddle.    Some real Norman Rockwell shit.     Plus, he ends up being the leader of a band of friendly mutants in post apocalyptic Australia, so he does pretty darn good for himself.  

The main point was that I would have a kid but do little to no work raising it.

But I didn't get a kickass self-sufficient, nuclear wasteland little savage.    I got a girl.    This girl.

    A girl who won't speak to me for hours when she remembers that one time, months ago, I told her I liked dinosaurs more than princesses.     She can barely even stab a fishstick with a fork, much less a bass with a paddle.    But, despite that, I think the reality is probably better.   That feral kid looks like he really smells, and nobody likes the stinky kid.   Plus, she seems to love me and is beautiful.

All of which leads me to my next topic for the blog, which is going to be highly controversial to the point where it is doubtful the wife will let me publish it.     Stay tuned.