Fun Facts About Houston

Houston is a shithole. On this, I think we can all agree. I hate Houston and Houston hates me right back.

Everyday, Houston pummels me with its raw hideousness, trash strewn streets, armies of bland consumers in galaxies of cookie cutter subdivisions, soul crushing traffic, the heat- dear god, the heat, the shuffling zombie hordes of homeless, NRA loving nouveau oil riche in brand new F-150s, and relentless homogenization of the human experience. It’s like Chili’s and Hell's maintenence department combined to build a city. To even the score a little, I try to lock up vast swathes of its populace.  I'd like to think we’re fighting each other to a draw.

Which is not to say that Houston can’t be interesting. Case in point: Let’s say you are a parent wanting to take your kids out to some good ole-fashioned entertainment at the ol' ball park. Ignore for a moment that the Astros are quite possibly the worst franchise in the history of baseball, and that, since they agreed to move to switch to the American League for a few million more in the last sale, what you are going to see is less baseball and more male fast pitch softball. Focus for a moment on the building closest to the stadium.     Which one?  The white one in the top left hand of the picture below.   The building closest to left center field.

That quiet one with only one way in or out and no windows. Humm. And what’s with the huge painted flag?   And is that concertina wire on the top level, above eye line, next to some recessed cameras?    What the hell is that building?   Better not to think too hard about it and just hurry the family by to watch the 'Stros piss on the grave of Abner Doubleday in their shiny, plastic stadium.  

And it's probably best to pick up the pace a little because that building, literally the closest one to the family friendly stadium, is a Federal Prison.    Federal (censored by my prudish wife, but you what I'm going for here if you've seen Office Space) Prison.   It's disguised from the blissfully unaware masses, but that's what it is.  More specifically, it's a Federal Detention Center for Federal Probation and Parole Violators.    I know this because I have spend a decent amount of time there.

In the Federal system, criminals are typically sentenced to a term in prison followed by a period of "supervised release," i.e. probation.    And although most Federal crimes carry a 85% mandatory day for day requirement, it is still possible to parole out on the other 15%.    So, best case scenario, on your way to gobble down $6 hotdogs with the fam, you are either walking by a raging horde of Federal criminals either so criminally inclined that they commit more crimes immediately after being released, or some so un-rehabilitated by being housed for years with other such scum that they've violated probation.      And all of them bottled up, yearning for a tiny window of opportunity to bust free and murderrape everything in sight.    

And what types of criminals might be housed in the Federal system here?   Among others, pedophiles of any and all preversion, human traffickers, cartel hitmen, and worst of all, hedge fund managers.     Only in Houston could you build a baseball stadium next to a prison.    And next time you are at a game, you better pray the power stays on and those electric locks stay up.    Otherwise....