Christmas 2012

(With apologies to whichever hack wrote the original.)

T'was the night before Christmas

And all through the house

Everyone had been drinking

And Daddy passed out.  

It was the typical Christmas

Filled with the typical shit

Planes, drives, kids, and family

Thus, the need to get lit.

Plus, after two days of being so sweet

G decided to go and get herself sick

So she moped and cried for two solid days

And I rarely helped because I’m a dick.

My folks won’t deal with a malfunctioning child

So while N took care of G like a good wife,

I bemoaned my fate, and for good measure,

Stabbed myself with an old oyster knife

So, peacefully dozing before the big Santa day

A dreadful commotion interrupted the season

Murder?  Fire?  What could it be?  

G woke up screaming, for no f*#@!ing reason.

Tears streaming, full throated screaming

Thrashing around, little fists flailing

We had to move her to the bathroom

To spare the house a half hour of wailing.

My wife, being the angel she is,

Got G to chill out and settle back down

When 2 hours later, more screaming,

And G had started up the next round.

Christmas was fine, all toys and smiles

But there was no time to savor the season's delight

Because she pulled the same shit

The very next night

The folks made a good show to look sad

When we left a day later, tired and pissed

And the only thing worse than family Christmas

Would be family Christmas we'd missed.

Uncle Clinky Bo-Stinky and G retry the hammock.

For those of your who didn't want to wade through that garbage Christmas poem rip-off, the nutshell version is that, despite us knowing better, we humped G across the country to see both sets of grandparents and assorted cousins in two differnt towns.   The script is always the same- she humors us for a couple of days, gets sick about the time we go visit my folks, they check out, I freak out, and N is left to deal with a sick kid on her "vacation."    Plus, G gets extra clingy to N and pouts because she's out of her element.     

And my folks, god love em, are good at events, like going to the toy store or playing at the creek, but totally uninterested in the moment to moment child care that would give either N or I a minute's break that might qualify as "vacation."    I can't tell you how pissed off I get watching my dad read the goddamn paper while the kid I flew 1200 miles, at great personal expense, plays at his feet or begs her mother to entertain her.     It's a hell of a lot easier and cheaper to say screw this and stay home and eat Chinese.    I may have some anger issues associated with this.

In short, Christmas is a grueling deathmarch of forced family bonding.   No one learns the true meaning of the season.    No one's heart grows three sizes.    It's just a symphony of noise and frustration and schedules and expense.    I'm sure Jesus would understand when I say it's total bullshit.

And yet we do it.  And no doubt we'll do it again next year. Why?  There's why.   

Oh, right:  NSFW.  

Perhaps I should have warned that this post contained graphic frontal nudity.