Ugly Kids, Part Deuce

And now to continue our discussion of ugly children.    

First, of all, let me assure you- I’m not talking about your kids.   Of course not.    Your kids are totally beautiful.   And smart too.   No, this is about other people’s kids.   Anyone who reads this blog has completely perfect kids, most likely because of all the good parenting advice dispensed here.

Second, most ugly kids turn out to be perfectly normal looking adults, if not downright stunningly beautiful, like the woman I married.   (But seriously, you should see her pictures from about 1978- 1979.   Like a tub of sweaty mashed potatoes with a Korean colored gravy coating.)   No harm done to the adult.    I myself was an awkward looking dude – think Anthony Michael Hall in Vacation- until about 20 when puberty hit and I transformed into the rock-abbed Aryan god you all know and secretly want to be.

       Surprisingly, this exact look didn't get as much high school ass as you might imagine. 

Finally, the problem with ugly kids is not children themselves.   Children, up to a certain age, are totally oblivious to what their peers look like.   As long as it’s amusing, kids will play with anyone or anything, regardless of whether they look like something you might find under a cow’s tail.

The problem with ugly kids is …… their parents.    Mothers to be exact.    Men only have kids because it means sex and maybe someone to pass your name on to, as if the world cares, and women only have children because their friends are doing it and they want something pretty to dress up and play with and accessorize.   That’s it.   Children are purely for the amusement of their mothers.    So the problem with ugly children comes from their mothers.

Here’s how this plays out:   

Let’s say you walk into a classroom with your beautiful daughter, the one with the long brown hair, perfect smile and infectious giggle and she starts happily playing with this little mud monkey.  

                                      Kheeeeee- rist.

That shitstorm’s mother is looking at her kid and then yours and is thinking “I want that one.  Why must I live with this shame?”   Then you start trying not to notice this kid can peel paint, and she starts noticing you are trying not to notice her kid is an affront to all that is Holy and suddenly you are locked into an awkwardness death spiral.    Now I’m trying to be nice and act natural but it’s all awkward.    Why am I dealing with your insecurity issues?   Not my fault your kid is weird looking.   And so it goes.     All because her kid is ugly and she can’t let it go. 

The worst thing that these mothers do is try to dress up their kids extra special to take away from the fact that their little girls look like tamarin monkeys.   (Or give them stupid white people names, likes Aslin or Payton or Ashton.   But that's another post.)  

Maybe if I name her Ashton-Michella no one will notice she belongs in a zoo.    

Supposedly fashionable and suspiciously in-shape moms trying to cling to their long passed glory days are the worst offenders here.     Just let it go.  They’ll grow out of it.   Or maybe they won’t- who cares?   Their friends don’t care.     No one else cares but you, but if you keep it up, you’re going to scar that kid into being some 3am frat whore.    And not even a good frat.   Besides, there’s far worse things to have than a monkey.    I love those furry little bastards.     Always eating bananas and flinging poo.    Good times.