An Entry About Emma

Yeah - the ADD hit pretty hard again, so I've been totally delinquent on the blog-front. I had originally intended to put a big summary of what I've been up to these last few weeks, but promptly deleted it because, frankly, it's just not that exciting.

So... I thought I'd go out on a limb here today and write a post about someone else for a change. THC? nah, too easy. Harley? nah, too typical. OK OK - Emma, it is.
Many of you know very little about Emma. In fact, the only thing you may know about Emma is that she sucks. She does, in fact, suck. But there is a little more to the story.

We adopted Emma from the Mutthouse - where I used to take Harley for doggie day care (read: back in the days before I lived under the tight purse-strings of financial dictator THC). When I was picking up Harley from day care, I made some comment that she was cute --- I was just making polite small talk, people! Next thing I know the worker is telling me she is up for adoption and is laying on some sob story of Emma's former life.

Story goes like this: she would be left alone in her prior owner's house and would chew stuff up in her loneliness. So the owner moved her into the backyard, where she would dig holes under the fence to get out and find her owners. So, the owner had to move her into the garage (in the sweltering Houston heat), where she literally ate through drywall to find her owners. This would explain the fact that Emma has about 40% of her front teeth missing (see nasty photo evidence below).
By the time she said "drywall", I was a mess, and the next thing I know, Emma is in the back of my car headed to live with us.

I had a lot of anxiety about having Emma in the house. Would she destroy all of our furniture? Was she house-trained? Would she and Harley fight? Turns out, she was the perfect dog. She figured out the dog door, got along with Harley, and never chewed a single thing. All she needed was a little attention.

... or should I say a LOT of attention.

Unlike Harley, who has ZERO interest in human interaction, Emma needs to be touched by a human 100% of the time. If you are not petting her, she gets up in your grill and nuzzles your hand to shift it above her head. This would normally be cute and endearing, except for the fact that this dog has the nastiest BEARD ever (again, see photo evidence above). Or as THC calls it, her "flavor saver". So when she does this to you (which is non-stop), you get your hand covered in this nasty mix of caked-on dog food, water, slobber, and whatever other remnants are left behind from her fascination with her own butt. GROSS.

Adding to the suckiness is the fact that she has the world's worst breath ever. I know she is old and all, but it seriously smells like her organs are dying in there sometimes. And when she is up in your grill trying to get you to pet her, and you have the breath combined with the nasty beard, it is just too much.

A third element of her suckiness is the fact that she sheds the equivalent of 4 small mules a day. It is unreal. I used even used one of those furminators on her. It's supposed to produce this much fur. But Emma put that golden retriever to shame. It was like 4 times that much when I tried.

The list of other ways Emma sucks can go on forever -- doesn't swim, doesn't fetch, sleeps on the bed when we're gone, can't figure out dog puzzles (even Harley can do this), craps about as much as she sheds... BUT at the end of the day, despite the infinite ways in which she sucks, I still love her and think she's a pretty awesome mutt. Soooo, here's a long-overdue shout-out to my favorite bitch. Cheers, Emma.