So neither parent has been blogging much. (Blogging was an affectation of the early 21st Century where self-obsessed white people chronicled their soul-crushingly boring lives via a series of internet entries as if anyone would care.) This is probably due the fact that our children are slowly killing us and the last thing we want to do as we wait for the sweet release of death is think more about our children. But, with any kind of luck, we’ve lost all of our readers by now so this site can revert what it was intended to be- a long letter to you, Gracie (and maybe you too Thomas, if you turn out cool)- so that you can understand why you turned out how you did.
At any rate, as of Christmas 2013, I still love you and you are a wonderful big sister. It’s been a very pleasant surprise. You talk a lot. Our daily routine is feeding you, piling into the car with Brother, going to your “school” and then me picking you and Brother up and riding home. This leaves us with a ton of time in the car together. Six months back or so, I decided that to cut down on your gibberish questions – “What’s a Cotton-Topped Tamarin?” when you know damn well what a Cotton-Topped Tamarin is and you just want to hear me go on about Cotton-Topped Tamarins- I would tell you stories.
The stories started off simply enough: Little Baby Speedy (always this title, see above posts) goes searching for his mother’s ring, which falls into the sink drain and washes into the ocean. Much of the setting is the ocean due to your love of all things mermaid, and as I dragged the stories out to eat up more car rides, the plots got convoluted and list of Characters exploded. Roughly in order of appearance, they are listed below. (You may notice I cribbed liberally from Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, etc.)
Little Baby Speedy: the fastest mouse in the world. Small but brave. Wears diaper, racist accent.
Slow Ramon: Speedy’s twin. Fat and slow as Speedy is fast, but comes up with great plans. Has one of the wonder twin rings that lets him and Speedy transform into anything for 3 minutes. Super racist accent.
Sam the Firefly: even smaller than Speedy, ass lights up which is very handy. In later stories, comes to possess the sword Sting, which fights by itself and glows blue if baddies are around. Friend of Speedy from home.
Stinky: goofy seagull that saves Speedy when he falls out of a drain. Talks like Gomer Pyle. Lives with/on T-T Rex
Turtley T-Rex: The Oldest creature in the ocean, T T-R is also the biggest, like a floating island. Filled with God-like wisdom and Morgan Freeman’s gravitas. Other characters often ride in his cavernous mouth. Knows all.
Smeagol: Once a Merman prince and childhood friend of TT-R, but became obsessed with jewels and gold, growing ugly as he shunned his friends. Thought to be an undersea ghost until he helped Speedy find the Cave of the Lost Rings and was redeemed. Now lives with T T-Rex and Stinky.
Lord Merkin: inappropriately named King of the Mer-People. Rules Atlantis-like city, loves a good battle. Can turn from man to merman as needed. Is exceedingly vain about his beautiful pink beard and turns hyper-violent if it is mocked.
Brave, Brave Sir Robin: Lord Merkin’s second in command. Great General, except in the presence of chickens. Terrified of chickens.
Mer-Princess Gracie: Princess of a beautiful city on a lake. Converts to human or mermaid depending on location. Rides a Pegasus seahorse and travels with 5 pink dolphins. Liberally uses her magic wand that activates with simple rhymes. Your favorite character, duh.
Baby the Cow: Lives with MP Gracie in her castle. Totally unintelligible. Scared of everything, but resourceful. Once tricked Smersula with a fake hand drawn map. Based on real life stuffed toy you went everywhere with for about a year that came from a Chik-Fil-A happy meal.
Cholly-Molely: Huge, hairy mole. Was controlled by Ursula and once almost ate Smeagol, but Gracie broke the bad magic. Turns out to be very brave and feels awful for terrorizing the “Heros.” Volunteers for dangerous missions to prove himself. Talks like a North Georgia redneck. Was killed during a battle with the Mosquito people in a misguided attempt on my part to introduce you to the concept of death. Quickly resurrected by the Witch of the West Sea.
DoorMouse: Cholly-Molely’s best friend. Together they guarded Ursula/Bursula until they escaped. Has keys that fit any door. Probably gay and in love with CM. Overly distraught when CM died. One of your additions, from the UmiZoomi cartoon.
Draco: Based on real-life Mexican Draco, lives in Mexico where he grows durian fruit trees. Durian fruit are like Popeye’s spinach and can cure anything. Useful mainly because he is constant need of rescue.
Longneckasaurus Lonnie: King of the Dinos on the Island of Ancient Dinosaurs. Very jovial and easy going to a fault. Must be tricked into fighting the Mosquito people. Famously punts the Ax-e-Tron into the sun after it cuts off Lord Merkin’s beard, one of your favorite parts. Stereotypical Italian accent- “dat’s a de spicy a-meatballa.”
Woody the Ninja Cat: Large, angry fighting machine. Missing one ear and has an eye patch. Meows only. Roughly based on your maternal grandfather. Baby the Cow often rides him into battle. Lives in MP Gracie’s city and is transported by baby pterodactyls.
Rudi Appaputi: Swimming bear. Underwater fighting machine. Draco rides him into battle and helps translate his heavy Indian accent.
Eel-anor: Finger sized electric eel, often used as a spy. Fried Marvo when he found the Cave of the Lost Rings. Shocks so powerful she must wear a sock around the other Heroes for their safety.
Spigolli: Large black slime eel. Managed to avoid being turned bad. Constantly stoned.
Witch of the West Sea: Tiny old woman who lives with eternal flowers in a hut at the bottom of the sea. More of a spirit than physical being. Fixes broken magic wands, resurrects Cholley Molely. Think Obi-Wan.
Marvo: Dim-witted King of the Mosquito people. Like all his race, he has a Mosquito head on a human body. His armies are legion and blot out the sun as they advance. But, basically a stooge for Ursula. Surprisingly easy to capture and humiliate. Cholley-Moley once kicked him like football, which made you blow dual snot rockets onto your car-seat.
Ursula and Bursula: The ultimate baddies. Stolen from Little Mermaid, they are Octopuses with witch heads. They have two bad magic wands a piece and travel together. Constantly enslaving inferior bad guys- the eels, Mosquito people, etc. They search for the Cave of the Lost rings convinced that if they find it, they can take over all of the sea kingdoms, including Lord Merkin’s and Gracie’s. Can form into the Super Bad Smersula by merging bodies. Were shot into space in a Speedy Rocket where they float for eternity trapped in a giant clam shell, plotting their return.
Trolls and Eels: Assorted hencemen.
I’m telling you this hoping that if you read this in 30 years, you’ll have the faintest of memories hearing these names. Maybe it will explain why you have a particular affection for turtles and never eat fish. Maybe it will explain why you married a bearded ginger. If so, I’m sorry. Maybe I’ll read this in 30 years and the nursing home orderly will see a faint smile through my drool and dementia clouded eyes.
Also, you were Dorothy for Halloween. I was a terrorist, my comfort zone. (Take that suburban America!)
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