Awful Christmas Gifts

IN an on-going effort to alienate the rest of my wife’s former readers, I think I’ll use this week’s episode to complain about something.    Shocking, no?    But maybe we’ll all learn something.

It’s been a month and a half since Christmas, which is plenty enough time to figure out which presents your 2 year old got are good, and which are designed to drive their parents bananas while providing the child the absolute least amount of fun.

The three “gifts” listed below are bar-none the worst presents G got this year, as seen from the only perspective that counts:  mine.

1.) Polly Pocket

G got not one, not two, but three dollhouses for Christmas. One we shelved, one we turned into a My Little Pony ghetto, and the last is this one that she loves.

Here she is channeling her inner Godzilla. It’s genetic.

But the problem is that someone (my mother) decided to populate it with Polly Pocket dolls, based solely on size, I guess.    Polly Pocket is the cut-rate, truckstop hooker version of Barbie.    The dolls and accompanying convertible, scooter and purse selection look like State U co-eds going to Ft. Lauderdale, except for the fact that Polly Pocket’s clothes are impossible to get off.

Every night, G wants to change out their clingy rubber clothes, and she makes me do it because she doesn’t have near the hand strength or concentration skills to do it herself.    This takes me easily 15 minutes a doll. Then she decides that this dress/blouse/pants combo sucks and we start all over with the millions of other pieces that end up scattered around the bedroom. I’m pretty sure she’s just screwing with me.

And the creepiest part is that the doll heads just pop right off to ease the dress changes.   G just leaves the heads and bodies lying around next to the car like a horrible traffic accident.    Or a warning.

2.) Fluoride Toothpaste

Here’s a clue when buying a 2 year old a Christmas present: check to see if what you are buying says “Not for ages 4 and below.”   If so, don’t buy it.    Because when it’s toothpaste with fluoride, it is poisonous to kids who don’t know how to not swallow toothpaste, like, say, a 2 year old.   It’s poison.    And seriously, who buys poison for a child’s Christmas present?   Some sick bastards, that’s who.

Pictured:  Poison

 

And I don’t care if the tube has all the Disney princesses on it.   But G cares, and that’s why, every night, I have to brush her teeth with one hand and squeeze off her throat with the other.   Instead of just swallowing the delicious toothpaste, she now has to spit it out, which means she just stands there with her head over the sink drooling pink foam down her neck and pajama top.    She doesn’t spit so much as lean forward, open her mouth and let gravity do the work.

 

3.) Stamps with an Inkpad

Really? An inkpad and stamps?  Have you ever seen either of these items or been in a room with a two year old?    You realize that the whole purpose of ink is to permanently stain anything it touches, right?    And that stamps are designed to repeat the same stain pattern into eternity?    And you thought that the best use for these items would be as a child’s Christmas present?   This is why G’s fingers constantly look like she’s just been booked into county jail.   I don’t care that this is her favorite Christmas present.    Think, people.   Seriously.

If you gave her any of these abominations, just be glad I am too lazy and ungrateful to keep a “Thank you” note list so I don’t know who you are. But next year maybe you should consider something less destructive and more age-appropriate, like a handgun.