Houston, We Have a Problem....

Wow - so much to say.  I've actually been thinking about this blog post for a long time.  But I haven't managed to sit down to write anything down because my thoughts have been totally schizophrenic.  So, pardon the disjointed nature of this post - and be forewarned - it's long.

First, and foremost.  We have a 2 year old.  Holy crap.  (PS - I just finished reading "Fifty Shades of Grey" - this is hands down the worst book I have read in a long time.  But of course, I finished it, and now my thoughts are replete with phrases like "Holy crap" and "hugging myself")

Anyway - if I had written this post 3 weeks ago, it would have been full of sweet memories and milestones of my precious little princess.  Sure, she speaks in full sentences.  Yes, she knows many songs by heart.  Of course, she loves to dance in front of a crowd.  Yes, she's potty trained (thanks in no part whatsoever to me, but to the fabulous teachers at her school).

But then her 2nd birthday hit.  I swear, some evil cult of toddlers handed her a memo outlining all the steps to becoming a total nightmare.

To paint a very general picture of life lately - about 10 minutes of every hour involve some epic meltdown involving absolute nonsense.  And the other 50 minutes of every hour involve me dancing on eggshells to avoid said meltdown.  I just did that math on my phone - this means that approximately 17% of her conscious state is spent freaking out about something.

"AHHHHH, THE SEATBELT HURTS!!!!  OWIE!  OWIE!  OWIE!  OWIE!  MY LEG HURTS!!!  MY BACK HURTS!!!  THE SEATBELT HURTS AGAIN!!!"

"I WANT TO PUT THE PANTS ON MYSELF!!  I NEED HELP!!  NO, I WANT TO PUT THEM ON MYSELF!  MOMMY, HELP ME!!!"

"ONE MORE DORA....!"

"DADDY, DON'T SING THAT!"

"I DON'T WANT YOU TO BREAK THAT WAFFLE!!!! AHHHHH!!  PUT IT BACK TOGETHER!!!"

And of course, many, many, many "Mommy?"  "Mommy!"  "Mommy, mommy, mommy...."

Add to the mix that she is still an insanely picky eater, is sick all the time because of allergies or day care, and totally rejects THC's presence.  It is simply exhausting (and totally effing irritating).

The other gem about having a 2-year old is that everyone starts to ask "Well... when's #2 coming along!!!"

I realize this is such an innocuous question, and one I'm CERTAIN that I have asked every single one of my friends in the past.  And now, of course, I see the annoyance of the question.  But since you're asking... here's the answer.

If you had asked me a month ago, I would have said:  "Soon, I hope."

If you ask me tonight, I will tell you:  "I just googled 'tubal ligation Houston'" as I sit and drink a beer.

With the return of GHC's constant crying/shrieking/freaking out, the portion of my brain that has repressed all memories of GHC's infancy jolts to life and starts running around, ringing alarm bells left and right, and slapping me in the face.  Why on earth would I possibly CHOOSE to make my life any more insane than it is right now??

Everyone keeps telling me "oh, it's just a phase."  I realize this - believe me.  But the feelings are very real.  I can't quite describe what it is like to live in nervous fear of your own child.  Add that to the guilt that I even feel this way about my own flesh and blood - it's just setting the stage for that clusterf*ck of depression and anxiety again.

Going through this (whatever "this" is) is phenomenally isolating.  It's physically isolating because GHC is such a horrendously behaved/moody child that THC and I rarely bother to go out.  And it's emotionally isolating because most of my good friends have sweet, laid back babies and kids.  Which, of course, is not at all to say that my friends wouldn't be there for me.  But, it's just hard unloading all of your fears, sadness, anger, jealousy, psychoses, etc. onto someone who hasn't experienced this.  And, it just seems petty to try to unload my own personal drama ("OMG!  GHC won't eat veggies!") onto friends with newborns, multiple kids, or family members with cancer.  Sure, I'm a "Me Monster", but even I have limits.

So, yeah, it seems like now would not exactly be a good time for #2.  Old crazy, sh*t for brains here can hardly keep it together with one.  Why would I even consider adding to the mess?

Well, for starters, I have always wanted two.  I have actually always wanted three - but, of course, now I realize the insanity of that.  So, yeah, I'd settle for two.  Second, it absolutely breaks my heart to think about GHC growing up without a sibling.  It bothers me to think that THC and I are her entire world - actually, that is just plain scary to think that.

Stopping now also feels like the ultimate failure.  But how do you balance those feelings against a general feeling of "unfinished business"?  Do you roll the dice and hope that you have an easy #2 and no mental/emotional problems (ha!  How did that PowerBall ticket work out for you, NKC?)?  Or do you accept the writing on the wall -- that despite your best intentions - you just aren't cut out for this parenting business?

Well, I don't have the answers.  Believe me, I have spent a lot of time googling these questions, too.  At least, I can post a GHC photo.

One day, she might be horrified to find out I posted this photo on the internet.  But I can just call this one revenge for meltdown #17 of this weekend.

PS - I'm not fishing for help, comments, etc.  I just needed an outlet to get this off my chest.  I do feel a little better having typed this.