Troll

We need to talk about your brother.   He’s a troll.    He’s a troll with limited verbal skills, an obsession with buses, and a very healthy digestive system that usually kicks in while you are in the tub together.   Also, he’s a biter.

             Let’s address that first.    I used to get all indignant and mentally threaten to shit-kick any little kid that bit Brother.   It used to happen a lot at his “school,” probably because his head and cheeks look a lot like some Hawaiian rolls stuck together.    Every couple of weeks, we’d get a sheet about how his very visible injury was from a “friend” who had bit him.   And I know who it was- it was that little shit Tate.

   

Like a potato with teeth.  

But then, we started getting injury reports where Brother was dishing it out.    At first, it seemed mostly defensive in nature- some “friend” had pushed him, tried to eat his cheese, whatever.   But then the attacks go more frequent and more pro-active.   One kid got bit because he wouldn’t get out of the way for the slide line.   Another got a perfect teeth impression on his face after he fell out of a chair onto Brother’s car collection.    Little shit even bit me in the back while we were playing GWONTCH where I sit in front of him on the couch and smush him into the couch cushions while yelling "GWONTCH."   It’s his favorite game.  

            Your mother and I tried to get him to chill with the biting.   But every time we’d lecture him about evils of cannibalism, he says “bye chew (bite you)” and runs off giggling.   I’m a little surprised after the fifth or sixth letter home that he didn’t get kicked out of daycare.   Now that he’s in a new class, he seems to bite less, but I’m sure we’re just one stray finger away from another injury (inflicted) report.  

            He’s also a huge pain in your ass.    He never misses a chance to dart out of his hidey holes and push you.  He loves to get his grubby little fingers all over whatever iPad game you are playing.   He’s constantly parking his huge head in front of your cartoons. 

 

Here he is stomping through your Halloween candy piles.

            That, said, you love him.   You have every reason not to be, but even so, you’re still a wonderful big sister.   It's a lucky troll that has a princess looking out for him.  

 

You call this a "cuddle puddle."