All in all, this was a pretty uneventful pregnancy... Until about 36 weeks, when my doctor told me I was already 4cm dilated. Although she reassured me everything would be fine if I were to deliver that early, we both knew that holding out another week or two was ultimately in everyone's best interests.
And while most people wouldn't mind being ordered bedrest for a week (What, you mean I HAVE to watch this Law & Order marathon for the health of my unborn child?), I started to freak out. I had just sent THC away for a long weekend fishing trip to Virginia, where he would have hardly any cell phone availability and limited airport options. That meant a) I was on my own with GHC and b) I could go into labor and not have any way to reach THC.
Luckily, I have some pretty awesome friends and neighbors who totally stepped up to the plate to help me out with GHC. And when a frantic text message to THC's brother finally reached them in a remote valley in Virginia, THC immediately got somewhere where he could call me back and figure out a way to get home early.
Of course, all of this panic and chaos would lead to absolutely nothing over the next few weeks. Every day, for the next 3+ weeks, I expected my water to break, and every day, I just got fatter and more uncomfortable.
Eventually, I made it all the way to 39 weeks. At which point I was 5 cm dilated, and my doctor was just shocked I had not gone into labor. Being concerned about having an overly fast delivery, she went ahead and gave me the option to schedule an induction for the following Monday morning.
I didn't even let her finish her sentence before I was typing in the appointment into my phone and asking her when and where I needed to be.
So, that left us with an entire weekend to get ready to have a baby. We flew my mom into town. We packed hospital bags. We gave GHC extra attention. And we enjoyed our last full night of sleep. It was as steady and controlled as one could hope for.
The other benefit of having a scheduled delivery after having another baby is that you know what to expect. And for all the chaos that was GHC, the one memory that really stuck with me about labor was the aftermath...
... this is where you should stop reading if you are THC...
Because once the drugs wear off, and you can actually feel the effects of having gone through labor, you immediately start DREADING the inevitable prospect of having to take a sh*t.
Knowing this, and knowing my date of delivery, I decided to take out some "insurance" by loading myself up with lots of fiber all weekend. Salads every day for lunch. Kale smoothies as snacks. You get the idea...
So, when I got to the hospital Monday morning, I felt pretty good that I had put my lower intestinal tract in the best possible shape.
Because of my anticipated quick delivery, they decide to go ahead and give me the epidural before they start the induction. The doctor put the needle in my back and the magic meds immediately started to go in effect. I could feel my feet tingle and within a few minutes I could tell my lower half was going numb.
And then, just as the medical crew was finishing up some notes and cleaning up the equipment, my body, lacking in physical control, lets loose an ever-so-tiny: squeeeeak. I look up, horrified, hoping nobody heard that. And then, it happened again - but this time with more gusto. Flbbbbt. Flobbbt. Squeeeak.
There was no way around it - my uncontrolled ass was playing a musical melody. At first, I giggled an embarrassed, "Oh! My! Excuse me!" But the show raged on... And there was no way I could pull off any appearance of proper, lady-like embarrassment. By the time the anesthesiology team had packed up and left, I was drenched in a pool of sweat and humiliation.
Unfortunately for me, just as the doctors predicted, the rest of my delivery was super fast. Within 30 minutes, I had fully dilated, and the labor and delivery team rushed in, flung my legs into stirrups and told me to push.
Unfortunately, at this exact time, my body decided an encore performance was needed. And right as the team of nurses and doctors were getting their faces right in my business, here we went again. Flbbbbt. Flobbbt. Squeeeak.
I was mortified. And just as I was trying to harness every ounce of bodily control to stop the farting, the nurses were yelling at me to "PUSH!"
There I was panicking - push the baby out or unleash the fury of my bowels onto this perfectly nice medical staff?
But, as nature intended for me to do, I said "F*ck it," pushed with all my might, closed my eyes as to what might be happening in my nether regions, prayed for the noise of the monitors to muffle all unsavory sounds, and had myself a baby.
Welcome to the world, THC4. You certainly know how to make an entrance.
No comments:
Post a Comment